It took me 26 years to discover masturbation. I grew up in a world where ‘jerking off’ was common knowledge. The girl version was unheard of; thought it was impossible until I was in my early teens. It never really crossed my pubescent mind to explore my newly developing body. It wasn’t until I had my child that rubbing one out became appealing. My normally active sex life came to a halt!
In 9th grade, I met “J”,my first, while hanging out with my friends before homeroom. He was a short, stocky, fair skinned boy. I say boy not in reference to his sex but in reference to his maturity. Stuck in the middle of my newest faze, I thought his flaming metrosexuality was the exactly what I needed in my emo kid life. He loved me for who I was: the black girl in the tripp pants with the black lips and nails. “J “ was such a sweet guy. It was destined to crash and burn. Oh did I forget to mention he was a Jehovah’s Witness on top of everything. Looking back on it, he liked me because I was a bad girl. Maybe bad isn’t the right word…I don’t know but I was doing all the inappropriate stuff that the other girls weren’t, only with him. I would see all the guys standing around dapping him up when we would get off the bus after my latest “Oops! I dropped my earring!” stunt. I didn’t mind him sharing stories to stimulate their little perverse minds. I was a good girlfriend. I guess this is where I started building the idea “I’m a giver, not a receiver”.
Summer school between 9th and 10th grade was the best time of my life. I took the opportunity to take some extra classes, for the credits and time with my boyfriend. My parents were super strict so school was the only opportunity I had to spend with “J” aside from the few awkward visits to my house that were more like prison visitations. This was the summer that I lost my virginity. After we started exploring oral sex I was ready for the real thing. I had never watched porn. But I had a general idea.
The day before we planned to skip classes so that we could hang out. Our teacher didn’t show up the day of so we didn’t have to skip classes. In the morning there were about 20 students hanging out in the makeshift lunch area surrounded by bungalows. The green metal lunch tables were the best place to sprawl out with your friends but at 11:00am they were a ghost town. “J” and I sat in the area quiet. We sat facing each other, straddling the bench, talking. Before I knew it, I was mounting him, the first of many times. It was so exhilarating. We could have gotten caught like his friend did with her boyfriend in the chemistry lab. But we didn’t. It was destiny!
For the next 10 months, we practiced voyeurism. I didn’t even know that was a thing. The school bus, locker room, men’s restroom at the local community college, homeroom…I could go on and on. Eventually things got boring for me, too serious for him. When he mentioned getting married, that’s when I knew it was time to break up. Plus I had found another cock to ride…that I wanted to ride. I am not a cheater.
The next summer I got accepted into a program at UCLA for over achievers. I was so excited. “J” didn’t apply to the program so I wouldn’t have to see him the entire summer. Or so I thought. One day, walking on campus with my new friends I noticed a familiar face staring at me through the crowd. “J” walked toward me, sweating profusely with a smile on his face.
“I missed you. So I took the bus.”
I just wanted him to go home. I couldn’t risk him being seen by the new guy that I was eyeing. We had a quick lunch before I rushed him on a bus, which I payed for. That evening I ended our relationship over AIM (for those that are too young, that’s a old messenger program through AOL).
Four weeks later I was in a new relationship with the guy that I was eyeing in summer school. “C” is probably the best boyfriend I’ve ever had (not compared to my fiance). He always reciprocated in every way. This is how I started to discover myself. We were at the movies, sitting in the back like every other teen couple. “C” slid his hand down my pants and into my undies. I felt a powerful feeling overcome my entire body, making me groan loudly. What is this?! “J” didn’t touch me like that!
Of course, this relationship did not last. We broke up. Had an affair, which involved Everclear, Xanax and a hotel by LAX. Don’t ask, but needless to say, things got CRAZY. However, “C” helped me discover the little man in the boat.
Fast forward nine years later, I found myself with a child and engaged. Very happy. All mommies know, if anything is stressed in your relationship, it’s your sex life after a child. Before, my significant other and I would have sex nearly everyday. There was a huge change! I know my fiance pleasures himself, life every man, admitted or not. My pent up sexual frustration was making me absolute BITCH. So I put on my big girl panties and purchased a vibrator. I felt like I went to IKEA, purchased the biggest contraption and was ready to build it…in the dark. I was that lost.
My new best friend? Google. I searched the internet top and bottom until I found a sight that I could trust. It provided me with more than enough information (didn’t know that pillow humping was a thing) to get me from point A to B. It took a few failed attempts before I discovered the key to my lock. Don’t be ashamed. Every woman is not the same and what works for me, may not work for you. But for me, masturbation is GREAT. Even though my fiance and I can’t always be intimate, I can take care of myself.
I’m a big girl now.