But…do I?

Friday, one of my best friends married the love of his life. Seeing them celebrate their step into holy matrimony made me think, Where is my happily ever after?

In 2013 I met my significant other while taking classes at a local community college. Five years late, we’re parents and simply stuck into a routine. As working parents know, it’s very easy to fall into a pattern as the days go by in the blink of an eye but I had goals. I wanted to have my bachelors degree by 25, Married by 28, and children around 30. Life doesn’t always go as planned so it went more like college dropout by 21, child by 24 and no direction in life. Usually, it takes no more than a good episode of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ for me to begin planning my perfect wedding. But this time was different. I asked myself “Is marriage really for you?”.

My parents, though highly disfunctional, have been married for over 40 years. Growing up, I was apart of a close knit family so all I know is the strong marriage dynamic. My significant other, on the opposite end of the spectrum, lived in a home where his parents were never together, though they are married. His father is Mexican, believing that a man can do as he pleases, with whom he pleases while his wife raises the children and struggles with mental health problems among other things; the typical machismo. Until we started seeing each other, he’d never thought about getting married; marriage does not work!

I love my significant other but when it comes to making me a priority, he falls short. I’m not one to make excuses so I won’t start now. He takes care of his mom who suffers from a number of mental health issues in addition to ulcerative colitis and osteoporosis. She also speaks very limited English, doesn’t know how to drive, and is separated from his father. When we first got together I knew this was the situation. It wasn’t so bad because I had my own apartment while he held a place for him and his mom, though he was at my place majority of the time. Life got rough and I ended up losing my apartment and was forced to move in with them. It wasn’t until then I began to see the true hierarchy in our new family.

My mother in law is Queen Elizabeth on steroids. When she says jump, he asks how high. At first, I felt bad for her. Then I realized, she is a demanding B-I-T-C-H sometimes. It’s not her that’s the problem ultimately, it’s her son. He forgets everyone and everything when his mom calls upon him, which is more often than not. Even after we had our baby, it turned into having two babies.

GOD! WHEN DOES IT STOP!

I reached a breaking point when I lost a much-needed job because he wanted me to choose to help take her to her doctor appointments. Major bummer especially with a preemie infant. I bit the bullet. I declined the job offer. Did that get me any recognition or brownie points? No sir. It was the beginning of my depression; depression that lasted for two years, on and off.

My moment of liberation was re-enrolling into college. I’ve been taking college classes since I was 15 years old but I have NEVER declared a major. I boasted to my family over Thanksgiving dinner 2009 about how I was a pre-med biology student, I was going to be a neurologist. STRAIGHT PAID! BIG BILLS ONLY! Little did I know, three semester later I would receive a certified letter from the Dean of my college informing me that due to subpar grades I’d lost my financial aid and I was being put on academic suspension aka getting kicked out of college. I had failed.

Six years later, I find myself at the precipice of nursing school. I met with a counselor at my local community college who informed me that I only need to take four classes before applying to the nursing program. Taking all of those classes in high school really paid off for me in the end, especially since my math requirement was met by a class that I took in 10th grade. Before applying to the program, I must complete Chemistry, Anatomy and Physiology, Microbiology, and English; the mountain in the distance was a hill.

My focus since has been on self-growth, which is hard when you are in a serious relationship. I am important. How will my daughter ever understand the importance of being an independent strong woman if I can’t do it myself? With this came with many thoughts, including property ownership. I’m not currently married, my career is about to take front seat next to my daughter, of course.

Does that leave room for marriage? The horse and carriage? Am I becoming one of those progressive, feminist that neglects the home for the advancement of her career, or so the story goes? No. I’m improving myself for my childs future. 

Beat the Meat: Let’s go Vegan

By Leigh

I’m your average American. I love MEAT; steaks, hot dogs, BACON. You name it, I want it. For the past weeks I’ve heard, through social media mainly, about the newest documentary on Netflix called “What the Health?”. Most of my friends would post messages about how this two hour film changed their lives; they could finally see the light! I’m quick to tell my plant loving friends “veggies aren’t my thing”, “healthy is plain”, or any countless number of ignorant remarks about why I don’t enjoy eating plant based products. Plus what makes this documentary so different from the others; using footage of the disgusting livestock conditions as a means of encouraging Americans into a healthier lifestyle. I’ve seen Supersize Me, Food Inc, etc and I still eat at fast food establishments with no regard as to where my food is coming from. As I sit at work, starving, because my McMuffin didn’t pack the nutritional punch like I wanted, I started thinking about “What the Health?”. So I found it on Netflix and immediately found myself absorbed.

 

Kip Andersen, narrator and director, started by telling his story. He explained, at the beginning of his researched he assumed that the illnesses that we suffer from (diabetes, high cholesterol, cancer, osteoporosis, arthritis, etc) were purely a result of our genetic disposition. Unfortunately and fortunately, this is not true. Though a small percentage of us do contract illnesses from our genetic makeup, the main cause is diet. It was found that those that consume large amounts of animal product, including but not limited to meat and dairy, from all domesticated livestock such as cow, pig and chicken, have significantly higher chances of contracting these diseases.

 

WHAT?! How is this possible?! My entire life I’ve eaten cheese burgers, chicken wings, deli meat with no concern about the effects that it was having on my body. It took for me to step outside of self before I realized: I’m my own problem. I’m the reason why I can’t seem to get healthy and lose weight. I’ve been going about it the wrong way.

 

Starting today [July 15, 2017] I am going to experiment to see what will happen to my body over the next month by living a semi-vegan lifestyle. As a lover of cheese, processed cheese, that is going to be the hardest thing to give up, so I expect to have some problems with that. Substituting tofu for my beloved steak is going to be so so sad. Right now I sound like an addict and to a certain degree, I am addicted to the unhealthy lifestyle that I live. So with that being said, wish me luck as I detoxify myself over the next 30 days.

 

Have you seen the documentary? Did you love it? Thoughts? Please feel free to leave us a comment letting us know what you think.

Touch my Body By Leigh

It took me 26 years to discover masturbation. I grew up in a world where ‘jerking off’ was common knowledge. The girl version was unheard of; thought it was impossible until I was in my early teens. It never really crossed my pubescent mind to explore my newly developing body. It wasn’t until I had my child that rubbing one out became appealing. My normally active sex life came to a halt!

In 9th grade, I met “J”,my first, while hanging out with my friends before homeroom. He was a short, stocky, fair skinned boy. I say boy not in reference to his sex but in reference to his maturity. Stuck in the middle of my newest faze, I thought his flaming metrosexuality was the exactly what I needed in my emo kid life. He loved me for who I was: the black girl in the tripp pants with the black lips and nails. “J “ was such a sweet guy. It was destined to crash and burn. Oh did I forget to mention he was a Jehovah’s Witness on top of everything. Looking back on it, he liked me because I was a bad girl. Maybe bad isn’t the right word…I don’t know but I was doing all the inappropriate stuff that the other girls weren’t, only with him. I would see all the guys standing around dapping him up when we would get off the bus after my latest “Oops! I dropped my earring!” stunt. I didn’t mind him sharing stories to stimulate their little perverse minds. I was a good girlfriend. I guess this is where I started building the idea “I’m a giver, not a receiver”.

Summer school between 9th and 10th grade was the best time of my life. I took the opportunity to take some extra classes, for the credits and time with my boyfriend. My parents were super strict so school was the only opportunity I had to spend with “J” aside from the few awkward visits to my house that were more like prison visitations. This was the summer that I lost my virginity. After we started exploring oral sex I was ready for the real thing. I had never watched porn. But I had a general idea.

The day before we planned to skip classes so that we could hang out. Our teacher didn’t show up the day of so we didn’t have to skip classes. In the morning there were about 20 students hanging out in the makeshift lunch area surrounded by bungalows. The green metal lunch tables were the best place to sprawl out with your friends but at 11:00am they were a ghost town. “J” and I sat in the area quiet. We sat facing each other, straddling the bench, talking. Before I knew it, I was mounting him, the first of many times. It was so exhilarating. We could have gotten caught like his friend did with her boyfriend in the chemistry lab. But we didn’t. It was destiny!

For the next 10 months, we practiced voyeurism. I didn’t even know that was a thing. The school bus, locker room, men’s restroom at the local community college, homeroom…I could go on and on. Eventually things got boring for me, too serious for him. When he mentioned getting married, that’s when I knew it was time to break up. Plus I had found another cock to ride…that I wanted to ride. I am not a cheater.

The next summer I got accepted into a program at UCLA for over achievers. I was so excited. “J” didn’t apply to the program so I wouldn’t have to see him the entire summer. Or so I thought. One day, walking on campus with my new friends I noticed  a familiar face staring at me through the crowd. “J” walked toward me, sweating profusely with a smile on his face.

“I missed you. So I took the bus.”

I just wanted him to go home. I couldn’t risk him being seen by the new guy that I was eyeing. We had a quick lunch before I rushed him on a bus, which I payed for. That evening I ended our relationship over AIM (for those that are too young, that’s a old messenger program through AOL).

Four weeks later I was in a new relationship with the guy that I was eyeing in summer school. “C” is probably the best boyfriend I’ve ever had (not compared to my fiance). He always reciprocated in every way. This is how I started to discover myself. We were at the movies, sitting in the back like every other teen couple. “C” slid his hand down my pants and into my undies. I felt a powerful feeling overcome my entire body, making me groan loudly. What is this?! “J” didn’t touch me like that!

Of course, this relationship did not last. We broke up. Had an affair, which involved Everclear, Xanax and a hotel by LAX. Don’t ask, but needless to say, things got CRAZY. However, “C” helped me discover the little man in the boat.

Fast forward nine years later, I found myself with a child and engaged. Very happy. All mommies know, if anything is stressed in your relationship, it’s your sex life after a child. Before, my significant other and I would have sex nearly everyday. There was a huge change! I know my fiance pleasures himself, life every man, admitted or not. My pent up sexual frustration was making me absolute BITCH. So I put on my big girl panties and purchased a vibrator. I felt like I went to IKEA, purchased the biggest contraption and was ready to build it…in the dark. I was that lost.

My new best friend? Google. I searched the internet top and bottom until I found a sight that I could trust. It provided me with more than enough information (didn’t know that pillow humping was a thing) to get me from point A to B. It took a few failed attempts before I discovered the key to my lock. Don’t be ashamed. Every woman is not the same and what works for me, may not work for you. But for me, masturbation is GREAT. Even though my fiance and I can’t always be intimate, I can take care of myself.

I’m a big girl now. 

What A Day! By Jenna

Today was rough…with a savory ending. Little #2 is being weaned and is not happy about the change of schedule. He is already a mama’s boy through and through, which I love! I would have just barely survived my day if it weren’t for cannabis. Had I not taken the small amount of time to smoke and adjust my perspective I would be crying right now. Little #2 has needed extra attention and affirmation of my love for him today, which means he followed me constantly crying for me to hold him. I am not able to tune out anything, let alone crying.

So, I stepped outside and found relief in the form of beautiful green flowers. Upon my return, I do not leave my children alone FYI, I was able to address his needs with lots of hugs, games, reading, and of course food. He cried a lot when I had to put him down, but the cannabis helped me get my son through this stage. It also allowed me to concentrate on making a kick ass and healthy dinner!

I made mashed garlic and rosemary cauliflower accompanied with a herb and honey glazed lamb. Though the lamb recipe is not mine, the mashed cauliflower was done upon inspiration. The last time I made mashed cauliflower, it was watery, overcooked, and flavorless. This time I made a few adjustments in my cooking method and cook time. Also, instead of mashing the cauliflower by hand, I used my Ninja mixer.

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Garlic and Rosemary Mashed Cauliflower

Ingredients:

1 head cauliflower broken apart

4 cloves garlic

½ sprig of fresh rosemary

2 Tbs butter (or Cannabutter for an elevated meal)

Salt

Pepper

 

Directions:

  1. Boil water in a pot (hehe, pot!) and add your cauliflower. Boil until just fork tender. If you overcook the cauliflower it will retain more water and you will need a cheesecloth to get rid of the excess water. Once the cauliflower is cooked, about 10 minutes, drain the water.
  2. Blend the cooked cauliflower, garlic, rosemary, butter, salt, and pepper until smooth.
  3. Plate and enjoy once cooled.

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I wish I had a picture of the completed lamb and plating, but it was too delicious to let sit enough for a nice picture. All in all, I had another great day as a Cannamommy.

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